Curling, sunn, curling

Yep that's what I'm watching...curling. Skullies on ice. Wonder if they have classes in NY? Only problem is I hate the cold, but yeah...curling.

I Miss

the way you made me feel like I was invincible/immortal/incredible/irresistible/important/able to be myself

What Have I Done To Deserve This?

You always wanted a lover
I only wanted a job
I've always worked for my living
How am I gonna get through?
How am I gonna get through?

I come here looking for money
(Got to have it)
And end up living with love, oh, oh
Now you left me with nothing
(Can't take it)
How am I gonna get through?
How am I gonna get through?

I bought you drinks, I brought you flowers
I read you books and talked for hours
Every day, so many drinks
Such pretty flowers, so tell me
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
What have I, what have I, what have I ...

Since you went away I've been hanging around
I've been wondering why I'm feeling down
You went away, it should make me feel better
But I don't know, oh
How I'm gonna get through?
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
How I'm gonna get through?
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

You always wanted me to be something I wasn't
You always wanted too much, oh, oh
Now I can do what I want to - forever
How am I gonna get through?
How am I gonna get through?

At night, the people come and go
They talk too fast, and walk too slow
Chasing time from hour to hour
I pour the drinks and crush the flowers
What have I, what have I done to deserve this?
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
What have I, what have I, what have I ...

Since you went away I've been hanging around
I've been wondering why I'm feeling down
You went away, it should make me feel better
But I don't know, oh
How I'm gonna get through? (baby)
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
How I'm gonna get through? (baby)
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
How I'm gonna get through? (baby)
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
How I'm gonna get through? (tell me)
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
How I'm gonna get through? (baby)
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
How I'm gonna get through? (yeah)
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

Gonna get through?
Gonna get through?
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
I'm gonna get through, right?
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

We don't have to fall apart, we don't have to fight
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
We don't need to go to hell and back every night
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
You never ever left me, baby, think of me...
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
Oh, babe
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

We don't have to fall apart, we don't have to fight
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
We don't need to go to hell and back every night
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

Gonna get through, baby, I'm gonna get
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
Forever
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
Gonna get through, baby, yeah,
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
Gonna get through, get through, baby, ooh
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

Sometimes...

I want to punch the sky

just to see it cry

Fist held high like

Winning the 200-meter gold in 68

and levitate over heads

like the god I am

Become immortal

as the man I am

Chooser of Destinies

Controller of Pathways

Been on my mind for a while

*sigh*

I really
really
really
do not care
about my job
anymore

The End

Had the wildest dream/thought last night

It was that when I closed my eyes...
and go into a deep sleep...
I would wake up...
and not remember anything. Like my mind was wiped clean like an eraser board. Personally, I think that would be an interesting event. Would you try to piece your life together or would you just pick up and bounce, starting anew?

Then it becomes the question of how much of your mind/memory were cleared. Would it be like a newborn? Would I know how to walk and talk? Would I be speaking another language? Mentally changelled? Place in a home/institution?

Personally I wanna be the anti-Jason Bourne, Charlie Baltimore. Like I wanna be the assassin who remembered he was a regular dude haha

I be thinking weird shit, huh?

Reminder

Everything I do comes from the Divine

And from the Divine it goes straight to the mind
If I could provide for me and mine

Then I thank the Divine for granting me that time

*sometimes I be forgetting

Freeform #1

School yard
The training grounds for all children
Oh you think it, it's all sweet, fun, games
Nah playa...
It's where you learn to network
Learn to bob and weave
Teamwork
Betrayal
Like the time we lost to the girls in punchball
All because
One of our teammates
didn't take his licks
like a man
Funny how taking your licks
make you a symbol of strength
Anyway he ain't take it and we hit a teacher
on the oopsie
Since no one snitched
(or rather didn't know who threw the punch)
Our twentysomething lead in the first inning
was all for nothing
Or my favorite
"Tisha wanted to know if you like her"
Heh
I guess in the school yard is where I found me
low self-esteem
and my need to show off
to my own demise
Lord
There I go
Not looking for the positive
in self
But I'm saying
if history is repetitive
Then why would anyone think
the outcome would be different
on some timeshifting
quantum leap type affair
But then again
if I keep remembering
the time she answered my
"So who you have a crush on now"
question with a firm
"Not you"
how do I expect to break
this groundhog day feeling
I keep getting when I
feel my spidey senses
tingling
My acting isn't all that great
and if I continue this way
I'll never land the leading role

atwhatpointdoyoujustsayfuckitmytimeisdone.
thesinglelifeain'tallthatCameosaiditwouldbe

Work

Ugh
Work
Ugh
Work
Ugh
Work
Ugh
Work
It
Ouuuut
Work
It
Ouuuut
Ugh
Work
It
Ouuuut

Work it out like there's nothing left
Work it out if you know you're def
Work it out only for my live people
Work it out because there is no equal

Chicks all done up
Fellas wanna run up
And get the draws
But they got the one up
Then you get sunn up
and you don't get the draws
but yes yes yall this is why we flow
Party after party things get critical
Drunk up smoked out
What's that all about
Having fun, getting done, and getting your ones
Dunn, put the piece away
Wait how that get in anyway
Okay keep the safety on lock and don't ya spraaaay
Hey! It's a jam, my man, get bitches
It's a jam, my baby, get your riches
Easy on the switching, yeah I see ya doing it
Hmm...will you move like that when we're doing it?
Just asking cuz babygirl you look right
If it's cool with you, let's chill all night
And when the sun come up, the blinds come up
Got food on my mind, honey let's hit a brunch
Mimosa, bloody maries, hash browns and eggs
Whoa waitaminute whatcha doing with your legs?

Work it out like there's nothing left
Work it out if you know you're def
Work it out only for my live people
Work it out because there is no equal

You're doing it, yep yep doing it
Ya doing it, yep yep ya doing it

*ok for some reason, I got my (Q-)Tip on haha

The Haunting Mist of Shoulds

The Haves

kissed her
kissed her more
kissed her longer on the steps
been more honest
lied about that question
keep my mouth shut
opened my mouth to say something
just fought him
thought twice
focused on…something
kept better touch
moved out earlier
went away for college
stayed
left
decided what direction I should have went earlier
acted stronger
backed down
networked
went to Brooklyn Moon Café more
moved to Brooklyn
moved to Atlanta
just moved
made my move on her
apologized
stood strong
answered the phone
taught him how to be a better man
told him not to go
told him to spread his wings
completed school
let her come to me
went to her

The Have Nots

went to DC
stayed when I should have left
said I wasn’t in love
said I was
have been on the net when that call came through
apologized for something I wasn't sorry about/for
ran for that position
let ego bullied me
acted
acted desperate
used the credit cards
stolen that money
to depend on anyone but myself
shut down

I should just let it go

Phone Convo #1

M: So when can I see you?
F: (brief pause) You know I can't see you
M: Why not?
F: You know why. Must we go through this everytime you decide to call me?
M: I want to see you. It's been awhile and I know you're stunning. Just want to see if I was right.
F: (laughs) That was smooth.
M: It was, wasn't it?
F: Yeah
M: Straight off the dome, yo
F: You're silly
M: I missed that laugh. Thanks for blessing me.
F: Heh, ok
M: I miss you, slim. You don't miss me? Think about me?
F: Okay. Don't do that.
M: Huh?
F: You know perfectly well what you said and doing. So please stop.
M: But I'm not doing anyth...
F: Ah the innocent act. You haven't changed.
M: Ah but see, that's where you're wrong. I have. That's why I wanted to see you, to see that I've changed.
F: (laughs) Really?
M: For really. I swear on my boxer terrier.
F: You don't have a boxer terrier
M: See? I actually do. His name is Mike.
F: Mike?
M: Yep like Tyson since he's a boxer. See the logic? Brains.
F: Umm...ok...
M: But seriously, when can I see you?
F: Dude, give it up. We can't see each other. I thought I made that clear the last time.
M: You did? Damn that weed, but still why you're ducking me?
F: Because I'm tired of you coming and going whenever you please. You only call me like every three months. It's like I'm your seasonal chick so I guess this is your Fall call.
M: (chuckles)
F: You know that's what you do, right?
M: (chuckles) I mean...that was fucked up, but it's funny. I don't do that, do I?
F: Yes, you do.
M: Oh man, I'm sorry. I'll promise to call more often if you let me see you.
F: No. That's not going to work. Let's drop it because I don't want to go through this again.
M: Baby...
F: ...and don't call me that.
M: Baby?
F: Yes
M: Goddamn, I can't seem to do anything right, huh?
F: It's the same thing. You call. We talk. You see me. We fuck. I don't hear from you for three months and repeat. I'm exhasted, you wore me out mentally. I deserve better.
M: (pauses) Wow.
F: Yep
M: Wow
F: That's it? "Wow"?
M: Yeah...I guess.
F: Listen I think it's best we end now before our fragile little friendship crumbles, okay?
M: Umm...yeah yeah. Let's do that...but I want to say I appreciate your honesty and being...well...a friend. And any pain or whatever I may have caused you, it wasn't intentional. I apologize and I'll honor your wishes. Well aiight then, I guess we'll talk later, right?
F: Yeah. Hey!
M: Yeah?
F: You really have a dog?
M: Yeah. You should see him. I think you'd fall in love with him.
F: Okay. That might be nice. So...3pm at the park? By Jones?
M: Sure. We'll be there...

Confession #1

I write hot shit
like two girls and one cup shit
Take this hit and let's see what happens shit
Build up the anticipation just to bring it down
Ya hear that? That's the Creator Blessing sound
Basically s/he granted you a front row seat
To bear witness to this incredible feat
where I
Make you a believer
While I
front as a deceiver
It's so cleeeeeeva, wish you would have done it
But now tag along and see how many people run this
Arrogantly elegant
Most of what we're talking, irrelevant
I was given a gift, so now I'm strictly hellbent
On finding that middle, that road, that journey
Don't stop believing, sheeet, better start believing sheeeet
That gift is a given and that gift could be taken
All the while sulking and sobbing over step mistaken
Still hard to be a man with a gun in your hand
But gotdam that pistol looks purty from where you stand
and where do we stand? Lovers, friends, frienemies, whatever
Saying we don't want no titles, thinking we're so clever
I still miss you, but that could be from not occupying time
With someone else who would put you straight out my mind
Five years now? This is all I have to show
Some pics, a flick, some tix on how our story did unfold
I still wanna hold you tight in these cold nights
and lick your clit real right
That's vulgar of me, but please believe
I wanna see your left fist grabbing that sheet
Between the folds that's the way love goes
Or lust as you once retold
Our story to someone else, maybe that's why I'm
Stuck...
...fuck

Any ol' way...
I paid my way to this hotel I saw once before
The door used to be closed now there's a key in the lock
Twist it for the *click* and see what it opens
Sometimes I feel unexcited like I know what's behind
My mind losing its mind trying to combine what I'm hoping to find
Talking to myself because the creativity is flowing
too hard and too fast to mentally dam
So I matrixed myself into a reality more pleasing
but it's easing me to a start where
I don't know if
I could hold on to
The sanity I thought was
unbreakable
I'm done
I'm tired
I'm scared
I'm angry
I'm honest
but a liar just to see if I could get away with it
Now the lies are crashing forward and I have no net
So I continue to fuel my lie over this interwebnet
But the shine is gone
My shine is gone
What's hot in the streets ain't the kid
but the lessons the kid thought he laid
"I cherish the twilight"
Talk like that is what got her
Gone
Talk to a shrink and they'll tell you
something you know isn't the problem
Stress =/= abuse
Loneliness =/= abuse
But abuse does bring those two together
Get it together
'Cestors, bless me
But even my mother said the angels gave up on me
...ain't that some shit?

"The only keys I pushed were the ones for the locks on the door I had to open when I was ten years old..."