This hasn't been a good 35th year...

Mainly because I keep saying I'm 36 (that's not until August 4th). So of course you start thinking "Four more years til 40. What do you have to show for it?"

And the answer comes back: Nothing.

Now THIS is probably how folks approaching 30 feel and I should be thinking "It ain't that bad". Then you look around. "It really is that bad."

-no real prospects. Those that were are boo'd up, pregnant, or something
-when people ask me what's new, I respond "Remember how it was the last time we've talked? It's the same."
-got placed on probation because honestly I was pissed at how we are treated every year so I slacked off
-directionless
-at times I feel lonely
-at times I am alone
-I've been in the past waaaaaay too much. I'm wishing there was a time machine or somehow granted special time controlling powers so I could tell my former self "Nigga, go away for college. This rap thing isn't gonna happen" or "You should have never went full time so soon and left the library five years earlier" or "Maybe you should have networked better."
-I think I've geeked out too hard this year

So if you've been wondering why I haven't been out and about, those are some of the reasons why. Like what do I have to offer? Do these people who I call friends, that? Have I pushed my friends away?

"...like my father..." © Prince, "When Doves Cry"

Bah, I need to let that one go.

I don't know.

I'll probably get out of this funk soon...









I hope...







Inshallah...
(and no I'm not suicidal (just wanted to put that out there)).

Rappers Aren't Doing Their Part To Help The US Economy

Cats rhyming about how paid they are, talking about how they make millions and billions whenever the wind blows. But are they helping the economy? Nope.

They can't bail out at least three families from getting their home taken away? I mean you got niggas burning buildings with their baby and baby moms still inside all willy nilly. They can't help Ms. Jinkins or Mr. Washington?

Niggas ain’t hitting Norma Jeans, Strokers, or other fine erotic dancing outlets anymore. Where they're going? Rio. Why? The chicks there aren't dancing to put themselves through college (education = money, my nig).

I'm sure there are diamonds that are American farmed. No need to keep supporting wars in Africa over bling. Gold and Plat as well, stop buying foreign, dummies

Buy a 360, PS3 is Japanese made.

Caddies are out of style? You don’t like Fords? They made a two hour ad with Knight Rider and you can’t cop a Shelby? Dodge might be making a comeback. I hear Saturns are pretty good. Yall used to cop Cherokees with your Audis. Can't buy a Range? *shakes head*

Why go to Amsterdam for weed? Cali ain’t got that good good any more?

Why outsource when you have a bunch of foreigners here? You could pay them dirt cheap. You hear that Sean John, Rocafella, BBC/Ice Creams? No more going to China or India for inexpensive labor. They're *right here*

Nas and Busta hired a Brit to produce a song about ...the ills of fried chicken, one of the last great american export.

Fried chicken
Not pizza or
falafels or
sushi

Niggas done lost they way...
...and yall wonder why our econ is the way it is.

Rappers take our money, they can't help us?
They can't sponsor a Gas Day For The Ghetto? A Here's Your Fill Up You Bastards? Can't they holla at their peoples in Dubai, get them to lower the gas prices so Americans could drive their Hummers again.

STOP BEING SELFISH, MR. RAPPER!

These niggas are buying foreign shit, bragging about hitting Japan and exotic islands. What about America? Huh? What about the land that gave you two turntables and a mic?

NIGGAS WOULD DIE OVER SOME COASTAL SHIT, BUT THEY CAN'T HELP THE YOU ESS of AYE IN THIS TIME OF $4 GAS?!?!

The tickets to their shows should be cheaper as well. Do you know how much it went for a ticket to Prince’s 28th bday show in Detroit? Eighteen bucks. Granted that was 22 years ago, but still…yall got money, yall could take a lesser cut. The hell you need lasers and robots and smoke for? You're a fucking rapper!

Mr. Rapper, you're letting America down
...unless
...you really ain’t rich like that…

Work

Ugh
Work
Ugh
Work
Ugh
Work
Ugh
Work
It
Ouuuut
Work
It
Ouuuut
Ugh
Work
It
Ouuuut

Work it out like there's nothing left
Work it out if you know you're def
Work it out only for my live people
Work it out because there is no equal

Chicks all done up
Fellas wanna run up
And get the draws
But they got the one up
Then you get sunn up
and you don't get the draws
but yes yes yall this is why we flow
Party after party things get critical
Drunk up smoked out
What's that all about
Having fun, getting done, and getting your ones
Dunn, put the piece away
Wait how that get in anyway
Okay keep the safety on lock and don't ya spraaaay
Hey! It's a jam, my man, get bitches
It's a jam, my baby, get your riches
Easy on the switching, yeah I see ya doing it
Hmm...will you move like that when we're doing it?
Just asking cuz babygirl you look right
If it's cool with you, let's chill all night
And when the sun come up, the blinds come up
Got food on my mind, honey let's hit a brunch
Mimosa, bloody maries, hash browns and eggs
Whoa waitaminute whatcha doing with your legs?

Work it out like there's nothing left
Work it out if you know you're def
Work it out only for my live people
Work it out because there is no equal

You're doing it, yep yep doing it
Ya doing it, yep yep ya doing it

*ok for some reason, I got my (Q-)Tip on haha

The Haunting Mist of Shoulds

The Haves

kissed her
kissed her more
kissed her longer on the steps
been more honest
lied about that question
keep my mouth shut
opened my mouth to say something
just fought him
thought twice
focused on…something
kept better touch
moved out earlier
went away for college
stayed
left
decided what direction I should have went earlier
acted stronger
backed down
networked
went to Brooklyn Moon Café more
moved to Brooklyn
moved to Atlanta
just moved
made my move on her
apologized
stood strong
answered the phone
taught him how to be a better man
told him not to go
told him to spread his wings
completed school
let her come to me
went to her

The Have Nots

went to DC
stayed when I should have left
said I wasn’t in love
said I was
have been on the net when that call came through
apologized for something I wasn't sorry about/for
ran for that position
let ego bullied me
acted
acted desperate
used the credit cards
stolen that money
to depend on anyone but myself
shut down

I should just let it go