Mainly because I keep saying I'm 36 (that's not until August 4th). So of course you start thinking "Four more years til 40. What do you have to show for it?"
And the answer comes back: Nothing.
Now THIS is probably how folks approaching 30 feel and I should be thinking "It ain't that bad". Then you look around. "It really is that bad."
-no real prospects. Those that were are boo'd up, pregnant, or something -when people ask me what's new, I respond "Remember how it was the last time we've talked? It's the same." -got placed on probation because honestly I was pissed at how we are treated every year so I slacked off -directionless -at times I feel lonely -at times I am alone -I've been in the past waaaaaay too much. I'm wishing there was a time machine or somehow granted special time controlling powers so I could tell my former self "Nigga, go away for college. This rap thing isn't gonna happen" or "You should have never went full time so soon and left the library five years earlier" or "Maybe you should have networked better." -I think I've geeked out too hard this year
So if you've been wondering why I haven't been out and about, those are some of the reasons why. Like what do I have to offer? Do these people who I call friends, that? Have I pushed my friends away?
That basically means I go through this almost everyday:
Wooosah
I am so angry at the level of stupidity I have to go through. Let me run some down to you (and if you're offended by what I typed, deal):
-dumb french wench who can't even get a renewal from DECEMBER correct is gonna ask me about an invoice that just came out, if I'm gonna send it out. No wench, I'ma let it sit right there
-got a needy ass broad who gets shook when customers ask her a simple question
-have a regional manager who can't find proper words to properly explain a situation (and he's a english major) so shit becomes bigger than it should be (oh and thanks to him I'm on probation).
-have a manager who asks dumb questions like "Why wasn't the contract attached before you sent it to Invoicing?" Because I was handling other "priorities" so these fuckers could get bonuses. You know the ones we don't get, but we always carry the company. What do we get? Fucking lunch. Lunch...fuck outta here
-his manager wants to be fucking Braveheart with people
-have a brand new system that doesn't fucking work
-assholes that don't/won't understand that this new system is way different than the previous one, which is funny since THE SYSTEM WAS MADE BECAUSE YOU FUCKERS ARE TOO FUCKING LAZY TO DO ACTUAL WORK
-this prick is gonna send me an email saying "Thanks and we would really appreciate it if this gets invoiced in May (today)" right after I told the prick everyone is trying to have their shit invoiced for May so please be patient.
Wooosah
When the director and my manager's manager left, my division went to shit. We're running around like headless chickens. People are quick to have these long drawn out conversations about why shit didn't get done instead of trying to FIX the problem. And no, *censored*, that doesn't mean even more meaningless meetings, activities, exercises. Then they wonder why people leave (we had ten people leave last year). A former co-worker came to visit and I'll be damned if she didn't look fucking happy. I want to get there, I really do which leads to my own problems. I'm just angry at everything and that's so not me.
Music makes me happy, but that industry is dying quicker than bees in the winter. Writing, though it's a constant battle, makes me happy, but that shit is just like the music industry. I'm feeling like I'm chasing young folks' dreams and that makes me even more depressed.
I'm too smart for this shit, but yet I can't seem to find a way out (let's face it, (well paying) jobs are getting less and less by the minute). Figured I'll look into Networking, but *sigh*
Wooosah
I'm so confused I'm so angry I'm so scared I'm so...
*sigh*
What's the point?
And I know today's events shouldn't bother me, but we're going to dance this dance again tomorrow. Why? Because the prick's invoice didn't get produced and more than likely they're gonna say it's because I didn't attach the contract. Motherfucker, if it was that important, you should have made sure it was in on Thursday. If yall were smart, yall would have seen that alot of stuff didn't get invoiced. Why? BECAUSE EVERYBODY ELSE WERE TRYING TO GET THEIR SHIT INVOICED.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm waiting to get blessed so I can listen to this and get the smile they casually erased...
When I'm not robbing people of their music, smacking my hoes, mastering useless trivia, demoing my human jukebox skills, or blaming those actions on the boogie, I'm doing regular stuff.
